Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
