we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
