I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
