dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
