i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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