ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She told me I should be a condom model.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
