just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
