you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
