went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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