Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Life is so much better after having sex.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
