Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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