apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Bring me that man meat
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
