3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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