sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
