sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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