Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
