I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
