please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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