my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Randomize
