My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
