Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
