turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
