remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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