In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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