Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
