Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
