yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
