May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
