it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
