i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
