Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
