All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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