I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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