now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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