Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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