Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
