I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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