i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize