Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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