my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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