why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
