feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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