So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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