I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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