GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
