when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
