alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
