You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
