P.S. I can't hear my feet
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
