Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
