i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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