sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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