someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
