Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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