I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
