i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
