My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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