you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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