No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
