I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
