So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
